Blessed by the Potato

This has been an absolutely awful winter for much of North America. Unrelenting cold — actually, it relented on Tuesday but one day of relenting is still craptacular — snow that just piles up and up and up, broken only by the ice falls. You can blame random fluctuations and poor luck in weather, shifts in the climate from global weirding, but we all know the answer: the Polar Vortex. But what can we blame the Polar Vortex on? Simple:

The Obstinate policy of the Coca-Cola Company of Canada to deny Cherry Coke Zero to Canadians.

You may recall in my last plea to the company that I pointed out how they were exploiting Canadian icons (polar bears, Santa, happiness) — that Canada was their muse, and yet we were getting the short shrift on flavour selection. I took a carrot and stick approach: I asked very nicely for them to bring Cherry Coke Zero to Canada, with a promise to buy a lot of it if they did, and backed that with a threat to unleash a progression of plagues: memes, cats, and ultimately polar bears.

Now it turns out it’s really difficult to arrange for the release of polar bears with the explicit purpose of setting them loose upon downtown Toronto to terrorize the regional executives of a certain global beverage company. I mean, the paperwork is just the beginning: you have to wait for a slot in front of the Zoo’s board of director’s semi-annual meeting to pitch your case, and of course really the only approach is to use my scientist credentials to call it a research project, so that means I have to apply for a grant and ethics approval, which is another two-year-long timeline. I mean, at that point infiltrating my way into Coke’s ranks, working my way up the corporate ladder, and just making the decision myself is starting to sound easier.

So I kind of let the project slide for a little while.

Then the Olympic messaging started up, and I realized: we are winter. Right after that moment of clarity the ice storm hit and I was without power for 7 days — over Christmas. Santa saw I was in a funk and stopped by to have a good chat about the whole ordeal, and I mentioned that what would really cheer me up is a Cherry Coke Zero. The mad plan came together in that instant: rather than polar bears, Santa would use his Christmas Winter Miracle Weather Machine (CWMWM) to help his fellow Canadians put a little pressure on the company. And thus, the Polar Vortex. He even managed to send snow all the way south to head office in Atlanta.

For three months the Polar Vortex has raged and blown and blustered, freezing innocent and culpable alike.

It’s time for spring, Coke. But Santa won’t relent until all Canadians — from Windsor to the Workshop at the North Pole — can enjoy Cherry Coke Zero without having to snowshoe down to one of the few Freestyle machines sprinkled around or smuggle one across the border. George RR Martin has given us a glimpse into a world of winter without end, and it’s not pretty — anyone you get remotely attached to is at constant risk of gruesome death. Don’t take us down that road: be the hero to the people you’ve always wanted to be and bring back spring.

Our first ever cherry-flavoured spring.

#PolarVortex
#CherrySpring