Blessed by the Potato

Continued from yesterday…

Calories are loyal. If someone buys a meal, the calories in the food belong to them. If you try to steal a bite, the calories will run away from that bite and stay with the group, remaining loyal and whole to the person who bought the food. Yes, free food is also calorie-free.

Calories can’t swim, at least not in water (gravy and syrup are a whole other matter). This is why drinking lots of water is a hot diet tip. However, it makes us question the wisdom of not eating while swimming: calories would never follow you into the pool.

Pile the calories up and leave them. One good way to avoid calories is to scare them away into one pile on your plate, for instance by making soft yet menacing banging noises with your fork. Then, leave a few bites behind. The calories will have piled into those last few bites. Babies know this instinctively, and will smash, shake, and scream at their food during mealtimes… and then never, ever eat the last bite of anything.

“Light” means that some of the calories have been removed from the food. The remaining calories are thus lonely and feeling vulnerable. This makes them more likely to want to make friends with your hips. To compensate for this you should build up the self-esteem of any “light” foods before eating them by praising and encouraging the calories. Make light conversation, complement them, maybe even sing a soft, cheerful song. Once the “calorie reduced” food has been built back up, the other methods will work again.

Air of course has no calories, and to a very close approximation Rice Krispies are 100% air, so they’re calorie-free. With a small extension of the principle, anything largely made up of puffed rice is also calorie-free. For example, Whatchamacallit bars. A similar principle is at work with popcorn and whipped cream.

Did you know that calories get sleepy? Calories get very set in their ways, and don’t adjust well to changes in their sleeping schedule. This is why it’s important to get a good breakfast early in the morning: not only is it a good start to your day, but it’s also so you can sneak up on the calories when they’re too tired and sleepy to make you fat. Of course, you have to find the right calories for that.

Some calories go to bed early, while others are all-night party animals. This is why drinking Coke and eating nachos and chocolate at night will always make you fat, because those are night-time foods. But, those same foods make excellent breakfast selections. Breakfast-for-dinner, or Brenner is always a good idea for the same reason. Plus, who doesn’t love waffles at midnight?!